Courage
by Happily Austria
Summary: After too many drinks, and too many years apart, Estonia finally allows Russia behind the many mental barriers he's made. However, when both countries have regrets, can Estonia come up with the courage to say what he wants, before they lose what they never knew they had? Estonia/Russia, Estonia POV.


** Disclaimer: Everyone! I own Hetalia! I wish...**

** A/N: And if you look to your right, you'll glimpse the rarely sighted Russia/Estonia pairing! This little fic is told in present date, present-tense, with an Estonia POV. Anyway, Warnings for this story include; brief, mild, language and badly written light-smut. God, I can't write smut... Also, I switch between Human and Country names, so, Ivan is Russia and Eduard is Estonia, "Eesti" is a nickname for Estonia. I will accept constructive criticism but all flames go to Russia, and you **_**don't**_** want to know what he does with them. PLEASE READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTES BEFORE YOU REVIEW,**

**THEY'LL PROBABLY EXPLAIN IT.**

It's nothing. It's really nothing. It's a kiss, and a kiss is completely innocent, right? That's what I think, at least. Until I feel his tongue prodding at my lips. Ha, if he thinks there's any way I'm going to let him-

"Oh!" But then Ivan grabs_ my thigh_ and that surprise is enough to make me cry out, leaving my mouth defenseless against the Russian onslaught. The warmth of his tongue is mixed with the sweet and sharp flavor of vodka. It had started as a simple drink at a bar I like to frequent, but soon, all the other patrons were gone, and it was just us. That was how one thing led to another, and a drink at a bar led to a drink at his house, and a drink at his house led to _this_.

It occurs to me that by now, I might be drunk, because I'm actually kissing back. Our tongues rub against each other, the sensation sending a shiver through me. He feels it and a little moan comes out, that sounds vaguely like a chuckle. A tiny part of me says that this is wrong, but a bigger part tells me that I _need it_. I need him.

We finally have to break it, when we run out of air, and Russia laughs lightly.

"Oh Eesti, I never knew you were such a good kisser~!" For some reason, the absurdity of that statement makes me chuckle, and before I know it, he's pulled me by my tie into another kiss. Such a deep kiss, and with one arm tightly held around my waist, he starts undoing my tie.

Alarm bells start to slowly go off in my brain, but somehow, the alcohol silences the inner fear and anxiety. I let him take the tie from around my neck. But that's as far as I'm going to go. That's what I tell myself at least, until he pulls me tighter, and I acknowledge how well my body fits in with his, like we were made for each other.

We fight for dominance, and I smile when I finally force back his tongue and get to explore the nooks and crannies of his mouth. Unfortunately, that doesn't last long, because we have to stop for breath again, but I don't care, because I'm starting to enjoy this little game of romance.

This time, when we kiss again, Ivan slips his hand under my shirt, lightly pushing on my chest, and forcing me back against the wall, all while holding the kiss. It's a good thing that wall's there, because I go weak with his caress and kiss, and if Russia and the wall aren't holding me up, I'll fall down, hit my head, and die happy.

And that weakness is how I end up in the upstairs bedroom, with the kisses getting deeper and deeper. Ivan cups my face with one hand, and holds my waist with the other, and all the while keeps kissing. When we pull apart for air, it's like he sends a thrill through my body without even trying.

"How do you _do_ that!?"

"You like that?"

"Y-yes!" I stutter out, in drunken excitement.

Russia moves his hands across my back massaging the tense muscles as we kiss again. The contact makes me tremble in a good way, and I can tell he senses, and enjoys it. His hands, already under my shirt, now take hold and slowly lift it off of my body. I shiver because of the cold this time, and Ivan unzips his coat to hold me in it as well as himself. It's an even bigger coat then I thought it was! I let out a tiny moan when Ivan grabs my upper thigh and pulls me onto his lap. But being so close to his body, with only a silly little shirt between us, I do something which I wouldn't try otherwise.

I gently slide my hand under his shirt and pull it off as well...

"Now we're even..." I murmur. He laughs, and replies;

"Nyet, now we're just beginning..." and that sentence which would have filled me with dread, now fills me with excitement. My mind is racing with happy thoughts, as Ivan pulls me down onto the bed with him. He sheds his Red Army coat, and holds me close.

"I-isn't it a little too, uh, c-cold for this?" My anxiety is starting to get the better of me, because not even copious amounts of vodka can completely wash away the years of fear and oppression.

"Nyet, not at all, Eesti~! Besides, I know how to warm you up~!" Russia answers in a low, husky voice, and I can feel a growing uncomfortable feeling down below. And then as Ivan runs one, rough, hand, down the side of my face, I let out another small moan of pleasure.

"It takes so little to turn you on, Eduard..." Russia whispers into my ear. "I wonder, what would happen if I..." His mouth moves down into the hollow of my collarbone, where he starts kissing and occasionally biting too hard.

"I-Ivan, that's a little- Oh!" I was getting ready to protest, but then Ivan starts rubbing the quickly hardening spot between my legs, and I can't help but whimper a little.

"You like that, da?" I'm biting down so hard on my lip, to keep from moaning out his name, that all I can do is groan in reply. "Oh Eesti! You're biting your lip, shouldn't _I _be the one doing that~?" And before I know it, I'm letting him assault my mouth again, and this time, as he pulls away, he bites my bottom lip, hard, just as promised. I run my tongue over the bottom lip, tasting the iron from where Ivan's drawn blood.

"Y-you're kind of hurting me..." I mumble out.

"Am I? I'm sorry for that..." Russia answers, and starts to pull away, but before he has the chance, I lean forward and whisper:

"But please, please, don't stop..."

~oOo~

When I awake beside Russia the next morning, I can't stop myself from smiling.The birds are singing outside the window, and it's just like we're in a film. Oh, what a beautiful morning. I stretch out on the bed, under a blanket that Ivan probably knitted himself. I toss aside the quilt, then the blanket, then I slip out of the room, careful not to wake Russia as I do.

When I'm done showering, I opt not to put on my old shirt, and instead, dig out one of Russia's, chuckling at how big it is on me. I put on some tea, but when I turn around, I nearly run into Ivan.

"Good morning, Estonia." My optimism drops a bit as I hear the lack of happiness in his voice. The most I can do is shrug it off as I finish pouring our cups.

"One spoon of sugar, or two?"

"One, please..." I laugh nervously as I hand Russia his cup. We sit in silence, until I work up the courage to ask a question that's been nagging at my mind.

"You're awfully quiet this morning."

"Da." Here it comes, just ask already...

"Um, was I... Good enough?"

"Good enough?" Ivan repeats in confusion. I swear my face turns a bright red when I realize I'll have to _explain _it.

"I- I mean, I tried really hard and-"

"Estonia!" A huge grin creeps across his face as if he's holding back laughter. "Are you asking about being enough to _satisfy me_?" I can't believe he's mocking me like this. I can't believe it. I feel anger boil up inside of me, breaking through my composed exterior.

"Ivan, I was a virgin, dammit, how am I supposed to know!?" His grin shrinks into a gentler smile, as he explains.

"Calm down Eduard. I was only laughing because it's such a silly question. You never need to ask yourself that."

"What?"

"Good? Try _amazing_." I can feel my optimism returning, but it didn't explain everything.

"What's got you so depressed then?" I ask him tentatively, because a small part of me remembers the time when Ivan would rather smack me in the face than answer a question.

"Eduard, this won't work." My heart stops. He's not saying this. He can't be saying this. No, I won't believe it.

"Ivan... Why?" I ask. He sighs, sad and quiet, as he rises from the table. Russia cups my face in his hands as I look into those violet eyes.

"You used to be a part of the USSR, there's no way we could be together without someone giving us trouble." I give a wry laugh.

The words: "I knew it." Come rolling out of my mouth. Russia looks at me with a confused expression, so I explain. "I knew you wouldn't want a long term relationship. You just wanted to screw me."

"Nyet, Edu-" He tries to speak but I cut him off.

"Stop with the excuses, you just wanted to use me, just like every time before. This time was just worse, because I trusted you." I start back upstairs to get my clothes and things, because there's no way I can stay here anymore. Fighting back tears, I stomp up a few stairs, before I feel an arm grabbing my elbow.

"Ivan, let go of me!" I shout down at him, but Russia just stares at me, unfazed.

"I lied. I don't care what other countries think of us."

"So you admit you just wanted sex?"

"Nyet..." He glances downwards. "The real reason I don't want us to be together, is this." He holds up my arm to reveal some bruises, "and this" now he pulls down my shirt (technically, his shirt), to show one of the bite marks he made last night. "I... don't want to hurt you. Not anymore..." I slowly turn to face Russia.

"You were drunk, I was drunk, You couldn't stop yourself." He chuckles a wry laugh.

"That's the thing, see... I wasn't actually drunk." The shock registers with me.

"Well, uh, it doesn't really matter." I say in a nonchalant-sounding manner.

"What?"

"I don't care. I just don't care anymore, whether you hurt me. Because..."

He leans forward to anticipate my next words.

"Da, Yes?"

"Because I simply can't live without you."

** A/N: Well now! I enjoyed writing that... So, explaining some things, in my head-canon, Ed used to be a virgin, and when he says that Ivan's used him before, he doesn't mean sexually. Also in my head-canon Estonia is a secret masochist. And I think it would be very ironic, for Estonia to _offer_ to let himself be hurt, and Russia to refuse it. Oh, irony. Also, I apologize if Estonia was horribly OOC in that last bit. I was getting lazy. Please R&R~!**

**P.S.- I abused the comma. I must be a punctuation-mark sadist or something.**


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